Today, I realized an important thing (and no, not just the fact that it’s Friday the 13th). I realized I haven’t been trying to prove others wrong throughout 2022 and the beginning of this year—I’ve been trying to justify my actions by trying to prove myself wrong.
Let’s backtrack, because I feel as though coming into January of 2023 may be a bit of a downer for some people who thought that this year they would become a different person or change themselves to match who they want to see reflected at them. I have the same kind of worldview; I tend to view things with a rigid mindset and view my current self as a roadblock to the person I’ll become in the new year.
However, I’m sharing this with you today, be it with a future me who stumbles across this post and fixates on the grammar mishaps, or the two people who viewed my last post: even though it’s (maybe almost) halfway through January, you don’t have to figure your year out yet. I wasn’t ready to write this post until today, after all. It may have started rough for you as it has for me, but time is flying by and I’m learning to embrace the gradual process of change. This is going to be our year. Let this be a time capsule preserved in a compartment in our glass hearts.
I always believed in setting resolutions and devising intricate plans to follow through, but somehow I can never commit, and coming into this year I had no idea what to expect regarding life in general and how I’ll learn the art of time management if I can’t manage myself. Sometimes, it can be easier to set our goals as becoming an entirely new person instead of facing ourselves and admitting we’re never going to be perfect. You don’t have to accomplish everything and change everything about yourself, because you don’t have to be perfect to be good, and you don’t have to be perfect to notice good things that happen in life which we often take for granted.
Recently we read notes we wrote to ourselves at the beginning of the school year. I told myself that I wasn’t an idiot, and when I read those words they made me smile. I asked my future self if I had friends (100% yes) if I finished my next book (in progress), and if I was enjoying high school (despite the stress, yes!)
If there’s anything I took away from the last few months of 2022, it’s recognizing the importance of prioritizing both mental and physical health. I took my body and sleep for granted, and I learned to deal with consequences the hard way. Life is too long to stop worrying but too short to keep worrying, so what do we do? Give into our anxiety? Scour the globe for cures to our loneliness, depression, and trauma? I realized I don’t know the answers to these questions, which leads me to internalize who I want to be this year: I want to be assertive, healthy, and able to comprehend math. I looked at myself and thought: I’m going to be new and improved next year. I’m not going to be anything like this girl.
Maybe that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to set any goals for myself because when we view ourselves as a fixed entity that can be altered with one adjustment, we become suppressed by our own emotions. Goals can be simple, but the growth required of ourselves to achieve these goals is not simple. Never is, never will be, and everyone deserves appreciation for the steps they have taken in the right direction. As a very important person told me, “Don’t compare your Chapter Five with someone else's Chapter Eleven.”
Being human is hard, but we are persistent and dedicated and mobilized to drive our efforts to higher levels, and though the month is going by faster than I can comprehend, here’s to revelations and unveilings. Listen to some music and just vibe, sometimes. Here’s to vibing.
Sometimes, all it takes for a revelation to occur is if someone tells you that you matter to them. Whoever reads this matters to me, and I hope you know how amazing you are for enjoying or getting through last year. We’ll take small steps and look forward.
Happy January thirteenth, y’all. Here's to new beginnings.